My Journey Aug 25, 09 A Life of Pain

Yesterday I couldn’t walk at all.  So after not sleeping for two nights, today was pretty hard

I had an appointment with the Lung Specialist, all is well, but I have to increase the Asthma meds and do another breathing test. No problem there, but I have to increase the meds for a week because I had a asthma attack in her office. It was a slight one, but she though different. Oh well. She is a good Dr, so I will follow her advice.

But she hurt her back on Friday and she had never been in bad pain, The Neuro told her to lie Flat on her back with her legs straight. Can you imagine?

I know that they do tell people this, but most people who live with back pain or Ankylosing Spondylitis (a big name for arthritis of the spine) know this is NOT how to lie or try to sleep when the pain is severe in the small of the back. Especially  when it controls the legs.

We had a long talk and I told her how I lie on my side with knees bent. More to it than that, but you know what I mean. She LISTENED  , but I told her this is how I and others I know try to sleep. We laughed, I was giving helpful advice to the Dr. 

She didn’t go to the ER, because she said, she knew she would get attended to immediately, but that they would want to do a lot of tests and things that she didn’t want to bother with. So she put up with the pain, and her husband (another Dr) gave her pain meds over the weekend. I told her that I wouldn’t go to the ER for Pain because they just call pain patients GOMER and NHI. Not nice.

She told me to call the Pain Specialist that the Rheumy sent me to , and ask him to talk to the Dr that writes the RX for pain. She agreed that I need something for breakthrough. And said I can and should do this, and if he helps me, then to tell the rheumy . Then he would have to write the script for something or other.

But I am afraid that the Dr will get Peed off and drop me-then I wouldn’t have any pain meds at all. So it’s being caught in a trap.

So I did call the Pain Specialist and he said though he agrees , but, he can’t do anything for me because the Rheumy writes the RX and he (the pain specialist) was only called for a referral. So therefore, even though he wanted to give me more help, his hands were tied, because I was only referred to him for evaluation and not for treatment.

I hoped for help, but NOT>  Everyone agrees with me-but no one, for one reason or another wants or feels that they can help me. This is so discouraging.

Then another Dr in the same practice as the one I saw today , yelled at me because I was not using my cane. He said, "Why aren’t you in your chair?" I haven’t used the wheelchair for several months, and not using the cane much. But he didn’t know that.

So the more I do, the harder things seem to get.

After being paralized, making myself learn to walk again, then again ( after breaking my back)

having to use the chair, and now walking again and without the cane, It seems that someone in the medical community would see that I do not just sit there and gulp pills. I work hard and force myself to keep on moving . even when the pain is so bad that I can’t do more than leak silent tears, many times not being able to move at all, but still trying and never giving up.

Maybe it’s time to just give up. I have been fighting this battle so hard for so many years, I’m just so tired of trying and maybe it’s time to stop .

Here’s a short history.  Fractured Skull and Brain Concussion, in a come for 15 days.

Broke three bones in my neck, crushed my vocal cords and lost a lot of memory. Nerve damage. Paralized  lost so much weight that they thought I would die.

Broke my lower back (4 places) nerve damage , lost the ability to walk, they send me home with a Diagnosis of TERMINAL> I said I wanted to be with my children and promised to come back to the hospital to die. I weighed 80 pounds after this one, severe malnutrition. 

Another accident, broke too many bones to count, and my poor motorcycle died in a lot of pieces. Lost most of the skin on the right side, This is the last one and combined with all the others and the conditions I have the pain is relentless. My daughter calles my MOMMY Knivel.

Then Sudden Death, and the Dr asked me "Did anyone else in your family die of Sudden Death?" I laughed and said, "Guess so , they are dead, arent they"  I did not know that Sudden Death is a real thing. The Dr was insulted because I laughed but then he explained it to me. Scary!! 

Short history, there’s more but this is the short history.

Maybe it’s time to just stop , I don’t know how to quit trying, but it gets harder when the Drs won’t even bother to try to help.

I am so tired,

tired of pain, tired of trying, tired of fighting the battle alone, tired of all the attitudes.




About albanylinlin5

Love reading with my Kindle 2, Rode the big bikes all my life, but can't ride anymore. Love spending time with a special person who can enjoy b eing quiet together or out and about having fun. Love music, Susan Boyle, early Charlotte Church and more
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