My Journey May 12

Another day in the life of someone who has to live with Chronic pain every day of their life.
I went to Wal-Mart with my grand daughter and I had to leave after just a few minutes. Didn’t even get what I had gone there for, just couldn’t do it.
Rather than admitting the pain, (again) I tried to ignore it, (not possible) but I tried and I think my grand daughter thought I was being angry or aloof or something.
Hating to admit that pain is one of the reasons I can’t even go out to eat or to the store without having to come back home long before I should have to. I know people probably think I am angry or something. Trying to mask the pain and pretend it’s not there is exhausting, and now I realize that it makes anyone around me feel like they don’t want my company. They think I am angry, or not paying attention to them or to what we are supposed to be doing. How can anyone want my company when I can’t go anywhere or do anything?  I see it in the way they act and that hurts also.
This is how pain causes us to be alone, people just don’t want to be around anyone who is in extreme pain, and trying to hide that pain is impossible.
My Drs don’t believe that the pain gets worse over time, or that I need an adjustment in the pain meds.  It’s just too much, how long can I go on this way? I don’t know.
I have never been depressed or anything, but I’m probably getting there now. Hopefully it’s only a one day cry, or something. But this pain is just too much.
Living this way is just not worth it, and I understand why many people who have to live in agony decide to stop living. And I can’t find it in my heart to blame them.
I see the Dr again in a week and I will try to get him to help me, but I think it’s time to try to find another Dr. The reason I have stayed with him so long is that I don’t have to do the tests all the time or sign any stupid contracts. 
Pain makes us feel bad enough , but the Drs and other peoples perceptions make us feel even worse. They make us feel like criminals over something that we can’t help.   

About albanylinlin5

Love reading with my Kindle 2, Rode the big bikes all my life, but can't ride anymore. Love spending time with a special person who can enjoy b eing quiet together or out and about having fun. Love music, Susan Boyle, early Charlotte Church and more
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